Is That What This Is?
by ArdenFirebird
Summary: "She speaks to me; gently, carefully, knowing that it would just be too easy to tip this incredibly delicate balance that we have made over the past few days. I have been trying to distract myself, managing to keep things the way they were and just stay neutral, but now..." Star Wars!Brittana


She speaks to me; gently, carefully, knowing that it would just be too easy to tip this incredibly delicate balance that we have made over the past few days.

I have been trying to distract myself, managing to keep things the way they were and just stay neutral, but now...

That kiss. It burns hot and hard in my mind, impossible to ignore. Yet that is what we have been trying to do for three days.

"I understand what you've gone through," she started softly. "I know...I know what you are trying to avoid, Brittany." Her use of my proper name makes me look up and meet her dark chocolate eyes. They are deep with sadness, and longing, and I vaguely wonder if this is how I look myself. Are we lovers or not? The line is fine, and we are balancing on the edge.

"But...I think it would be for the best for you, I mean, m-us if we...if..." I blinked at her incredulously. Santana Lopez, at loss for words? "If we get...together. You know what I mean?"

"Together." I repeat slowly. My knees have lost their strength and I clutch at the nearby table and fall onto the bench. I put my head in my hands, elbows resting on the table, at a loss myself. "Santana...I can't...I can't lose another."

"Another what, sweetheart?"

My breath catches in my throat, my heart trembling hopelessly. It wasn't what she asked, or what she had called me, but the tone of her voice when she spoke to me. Sweetheart. And the way she whispered it with such nervous hope, endearment, and dedication, and...well, it's inescapable. Love. Everything I have been trying to run away from for all of my pain-filled years. The defenses that I have solidly built up, the shelter I have tried to piece together from the storm slowly starts to crumble. I want to collapse and cry, let out these tears I've held back for so long.

"Another person that I love," I rasp out in response. "Another person that might have died because of me. Do you know, do you realize, how much death I have seen? Have you ever had your world destroyed, your family, your friends, countless innocent people, die because of you?"

"Britt-"

"No? No, doubt it. Aren't you just a mercenary? Money is what you lust over, wealth is your love. You haven't lost anything because nothing has ever meant _anything_ to you, and nothing ever will!" My voice rises, and I can't believe I have lost control over myself. Why am I doing this, raging towards Santana, who has done nothing to me?

"Britt!" she pleads, but I barrel on.

"So why should I trust the Force? Will it really keep you by my side or will something else just come and carry you away then? Or, since nothing has ever really meant anything to you anyway, you'll just decide to up and walk away from me? You're just a mindless, reckless, money-loving, coldhearted-"

"I am _not _coldhearted!" she suddenly screams, looming over me. "I may be a mindless, reckless, money-loving mercenary fool, but I am _not coldhearted!"_

Deafening silence. I squeeze my eyes shut, tears rolling down my cheeks. She is the one to break the quiet.

"I am not coldhearted, Britt." her she barely whispers, breathing fast. She catches my chin with a hand and forces me to look up at her. I can see the hurt and heartbreak that she is struggling to keep down lingering beneath the surface of her stare. She gazes into my eyes, dead serious. "I love you."

Those three fateful words that change everything.

Or do they?

She doesn't wait for me. She seems to know that nothing is going to come out of my mouth and I can see the hope in her eyes slowly diminishing. She sighs as she stretches, before walking out of the room.

_Is that it, then?_ I think, and I want to be angry again, I want the anger to rise up again and let me know that I'm right. But I'm drained, and all I can feel is my suffocating sadness. I chose to feel angry and yell at her because it is easier than feeling the ache of sadness.

I look up as I hear footsteps slowly approaching me once again. She is carrying two glasses and a bottle of Corellian wine and wordlessly fills the scratched, chipped glasses after setting them down on the table.

She is the first to take a drink, and she does it roughly, setting it down with a clatter. She stares at me and I return the gaze, never breaking it, even as I take a long sip myself.

"Classy," I manage to choke out. "Didn't know you liked this stuff."

"The wine?" she snorts lightly. "Not really, the ale is for me, but you know how it is. A princess on board, she wouldn't be down with the rough stuff." She meets my stare, one perfect eyebrow raised. I pull hard on the rest of the wine and the alcohol almost makes me choke. I force it down, barely holding back a gasp and keeping my gaze on Santana.

She smirks, lifting the bottle and fills my glass again before helping herself to more.

"Rough stuff?" I comment. "I've been a part of the Imperial Senate and the Rebellion since I was fifteen." I take another swig, and the previous burning in my throat is slowly being replaced by a warm, pleasant numbness taking over my body.

She stares at me and I catch a flash of surprise. "Fifteen? You never got to be a girl, did you?"

"Or a kid, even." I sadly recalled. "I must have been crazy to throw myself into everything. Though I don't regret it, I can never get back all the years and experiences I wasted."

"You never fell in love, did you?"

Her question surprises me and I sputter out the wine I had currently been drinking. She hits my back until my lungs are able to breathe amongst the burning of alcohol while I grab a cloth off of the table wipe my face.

"N-no." I respond softly, but I am surprised at myself. Did I really just confess something so guarded about myself to Santana Lopez?

"Did...did you have suitors?"

I look up at her with watering eyes and immediately see a brief flash of unbridled annoyance and..jealousy? Before she quickly covers up her emotions once again. Just the thought that she might be jealous of my previous unsuccessful suitors sends a wave of flutters through my stomach.

"There were...young men. They wanted to see me but I wanted to wait until I was a part of the Senate..." I say a bit awkwardly, and Santana covers up with her wineglass. "Even when they started seeing me, they were just..." I shudder at the thought of the countless men that came through. Oily, greasy, smooth men that instinctively made me wary. Tall, handsome boys with a charming smile and an unbelievably inflated ego that made me uncomfortable.

"Not right?" she offers. I nod immediately.

"I couldn't fall in love with them," I blurt out. The warmth and release of the crimson beverage seems welcome now. _Oh well,_ I think to myself vaguely._ We're both drunk. _"They weren't...it."

"Who would be?" she asks in a lower voice. My muddled brain tries to warn me, to slam on the brakes. We are entering the danger zone, but for once I don't care. I rest my hand on the table between us and she reaches up to cover it with her own. Her fingers massage mine, as gentle and sensual as they had been during that first kiss. I look up at her, at those lips.

Oh god those lips.

"Somebody who'd understand what I'm going through," I whisper back. Her chocolate eyes catch my own and I am overcome with longing. "Somebody who'd love me for who I really am, not for a title."

"Somebody who'd hold your hand during tough times?"

"Yes."

She watches me for a long time and my heart slows. A tingling, hot sensation creeps up my whole body, and it's not from the alcohol.

"Princess?"

"Yes, Santana?"

"Kiss me. Now."

And before I know it I have fallen into her arms, lips against mine, hands held against each other. Time slows down as we finally have a chance to give ourselves to each other. The swell of passion is overwhelming and I ride it with a rapidly increasing heartbeat. Our lips break apart and I can feel the emptiness creeping back into my soul.

We've only kissed and I'm already trembling.

She strokes my hair, hand around mine before she brushing her pouty lips briefly against my forehead.

"Goodnight, sweetheart." She lets go and slowly walks off to her cabin, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I stare down at the last sip in my glass, swilling it thoughtfully before downing it and placing it next to Santana's.

Do I love her?

Is that what this is?


End file.
